Two very different announcements

Some of you (ok, maybe more than some) may have noticed the lack of new posts on here lately.  I apologize for that, but I just haven't done anything interesting, really.  Sorry about that!

But now I have an interesting thing to share!  I was invited to write a guest post on the Childless Mormon support blog.  It was published on April 10th, and although I've already shared this story here before, I decided to include it anyway.  Here's the link: http://childlessmormonsupport.com/?p=656  Being able to really accept that having children might not be something I ever get to experience has been difficult for me, but (as it says in my post) I've been able to find joy in the idea that I could be childless.

Which has actually made this next announcement a little...weird for me to share.  You see, another reason I haven't posted much lately is because I've been staying home sick every day for weeks.  Because I'm currently working on making another human being......surprise!

Bryant and I are expecting to meet our little guy or gal on October 25th.  I've been sick all day every day since I was about 6 weeks along and only last week got some medicine that stopped the puking.  I don't throw up anymore, but I still feel like I want to throw up a lot of the time.  I'm really glad I'm not teaching right now, because I have no idea how I would have done it.  Seriously, anyone who works while going through "morning" sickness--very sarcastic quotations there--is a superwoman in my book.  When I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom I just keep thinking, "I waited a long time and paid a lot of money in an effort to feel like this.  I want to feel like this, it's a good thing."  I've told myself that a LOT in the last two months.  Mostly, it works. :)

Something I was surprised by, though, was the fact that I have mixed feelings about announcing this to others.  I've spent a lot of time over the last eight months working through my feelings on the whole children issue and I was truly happy with my life the way it was.  Telling people that I'm now pregnant feels almost as though I am betraying all the childless women I've made connections with and supported in the last few months.  I feel very strongly that having children does not define someone's worth and being congratulated enthusiastically about getting pregnant makes me uncomfortable...almost like I don't really deserve to be congratulated, if that makes sense.

Another reason sharing the news has made me uncomfortable is because of people's reactions to my former infertility. Let me be clear, I never said I thought I would always be childless, I said I would be happy either way.  I've already had a few people bring that up when I've told them, which is understandable, but it makes my heart hurt for any women who won't have babies.  I said I would be happy without having my own children, and then I got pregnant.  That seems to reinforce in people's minds that it is ok to tell a woman who is infertile that it will happen for her eventually.  That's not true.  For some people, it will never happen, and they shouldn't have to listen to everyone they love constantly tell them that they will have a baby.  So all of you reading this, I want you to promise me that you will never use me as an example to a woman who is struggling with infertility.  I promise you she doesn't want to hear it and it won't help her. 

Now after all that, you probably think I'm not excited.  That's not true.  I was nervous at first because it seemed to me that my chances of miscarriage were high.  I know there's not technically a link between infertility and miscarriage, but it seemed logical in my head that if my body had a hard time getting things where they needed to be, it would have a hard time keeping the baby there. 

I was actually nervous-excited all the way up until I got to see the 12 week ultrasound.  I had two ultrasounds before that, but the baby looked like a little bean and not like a baby.  At the 12 week ultrasound we got to see the face, the hands, everything, and it looked like a baby.  I know it sounds funny, but it wasn't until I saw it moving in there waving its hands and wiggling around that it finally hit me that there's a baby in there!!  A baby!!!  How insane is that?!  I have another human being inside of me.  Blows my mind.  After that ultrasound I started feeling a much bigger connection to this tiny little guy or gal and I am now officially REALLY excited.

Whew, this is such a long post, sorry!  I'll wrap it up with just a few details that I want to remember about this pregnancy. 

• I am currently 13 weeks along (that's 7 straight weeks of sickness, btw).
• My tummy is poking out but I've actually lost about a pound since my first weigh-in at 6 weeks.  I have to use the rubber band trick on most of my pants now.
• This baby hates sweet things.  There is a package of Skittles that has been sitting on my dresser for two months now and every time I look at it I want to puke. 
• I don't really have cravings, but sometimes a food just sounds disgusting.  We had some really good broccoli pasta that I ate two days in a row (dinner, then lunch) and LOVED.  Then I went to eat it for lunch the next day and the sight/smell of it turned my stomach.  Don't know what is happening in this body of mine.
• There are two foods I have consistently thought would taste amazing, and neither of them are available in Grenada.  Raspberries and avocados.  Well, technically I can get raspberries here if I'm willing to pay $13 US for a tiny container (which I'm not...yet), but avocados are out of season until June.  Curses.
• Homemade ginger tea with honey, lemon, and sugar is one of the only things that makes me feel better when I get particularly nauseated.  Watermelon Jello is the other one (and the only exception to the sweet things aversion).
• Bryant was usually at school when I puked because it only seemed to happen in the morning.  The first time he was home when I ran to the bathroom, he stood in the bedroom yelling things like, "Don't do that!" and, "Stop it, that's so sad!"
• I am going to have the baby in Utah, which means that Bryant and I will be separated for about six months since he has to come back to Grenada for classes.  We're trying not to think about that part right now.
• At the 12 week ultrasound, I thought the baby looked like a boy.  I know it doesn't make sense because all we could see was the skeleton basically, but I thought it looked boyish.  Bryant refuses to give any input on the gender right now.  I think it's so he can pretend not to be surprised no matter what the gender is. :)

I'll wrap it up there.  We're very excited about our little baby and I will make sure to post about the gender when we find out at the end of May.  Thank you for all your love and support!