Babies

Ok guys, this post is not related to Grenada and is more serious, but bear with me!  There is something that Bryant and I have been struggling with for two years now.  We've really only talked to our immediate family and a few close friends about it, but I've decided I'm okay with people knowing about this aspect of our lives.

We can't have babies.  Well, at least we can't have babies even with a fairly high level of medical intervention.  We both have done pretty much every test available and have been told that there is nothing wrong.  It's a legitimate diagnosis: unexplained infertility.  It means we should have babies, but for some reason we don't.  And before you start thinking that that's good because it means it'll work eventually, let me tell you that there are many people diagnosed this way who can't ever have children.  I'm not saying that to be pessimistic, just to circumvent any comments to that effect. :) Now besides just getting tested, we have also done three cycles of fertility treatments that all failed, and the only thing left for us to try is In Vitro Fertilization--which costs about $8,000 and is pretty far down the line for us if we ever do it at all (I like the thought of adopting much more). 

We did what was called Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI).  If you don't want to know what our fertility treatments involved, skip to the next paragraph (warning: it's long and detailed).  Here's how it worked: I went in for an ultrasound on the third day of my period to get a baseline reading on ovary size and uterine lining thickness.  Also on that day I started taking either Clomid or Femara, which causes your body to mature more than one egg.  I took those pills (2 or 3 a day) for 5 days, and let me tell you they were terrible.  Clomid made me have intense pain in my abdomen and I also started seeing these little black lines that weren't really there.  The Femara wasn't as bad, but it made me feel nauseated and tired all the time (it's actually used to treat breast cancer, go figure).  Three days after that, I would go in for another ultrasound to check my follicles.  The follicles in the ovaries are the things that hold the individual eggs.  The ones that have mature eggs growing in them get very big and dark and can be measured on the ultrasound.  Either that afternoon or the next day, I would have to get an injection in my stomach that I was supposed to give to myself but was too much of a pansy to do (thanks Jess and Aubrey).  By the way, I was allergic to one of the chemicals in the shot so this always resulted in a very painful welt (fertility drugs really are the worst).  The injection would kick my body into high gear and force the eggs to start moving down the fallopian tubes.  Exactly 23 hours afterward we would head to the clinic, where Bryant would go do his thing, then we'd wait while they cleaned and prepped his specimen.  An hour after that, we'd go in a room, they'd use a catheter and a syringe to insert the specimen into my uterus, and that was that.  I would then have to take some progesterone suppositories every night for two weeks, then a pregnancy test, and when it was negative I'd stop taking the progesterone and the cycle would re-start.  We did this three times and we found out that our latest attempt had failed on Wednesday.

Whew, that's a lot of stuff, right? Let me wrap it up by saying just one more thing.  Most importantly, and perhaps I should have led with this, I'm at peace with what is happening.  For about 6-8 months in there (when we started doing all the tests late last year and early this year) I was ok, thinking that we weren't having a baby because of some simple problem that medicine would fix for us.  So I stopped thinking that it would work spontaneously and looked forward to when we would do our treatments.  Then we did our first IUI and for the first time in a long time, I let myself hope.  And when it didn't work, I was pretty torn up about it.  It finally started sinking in that this might never, ever work.  I really struggled for a while.

Then (it's about to get religious here, people), I went to the temple with Bryant.  I wasn't even thinking about this whole baby thing while we were there, but suddenly I just felt like it would all work out.  Not that I would have a baby, just that, no matter what, God loves me.  That He might make me go through some hard things, but if He does, it means I can handle it.  And that if I never get the opportunity to have children, then there is something else He wants me to do.  I'm not quite sure yet what that will be, but I know I can do a lot of good here whether or not I have my own children.  It's been a huge comfort and a blessing to me to have reached this feeling of peace.  I know some people struggle for years with these feelings and I'm so very grateful that at least I don't have to feel inadequate, sad, or angry anymore.  I know God has a plan, and I'm ready for whatever it is.

Now I said I wouldn't feel sad anymore, but I must admit I did cry a little bit writing that last paragraph--mixed sadness and gratitude to my Father in Heaven.  So maybe I should say it's not an all-consuming sadness anymore.  I think I can still feel sad about it every now and then, but it's no longer something that is there in the back of my mind every day.

Alright, I'm going to wrap this up.  I've already rambled on long enough about this.  I just felt that I should be able to share and possibly it will make other people going through something like this feel a little bit better.  Love you all! Oh and tomorrow I'll have a great post about an awesome beach, so don't worry, things will get happier around here!