The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Unfortunately, this post is not about Grenada.  Sorry everyone!  It's just something I've had on my mind lately.

A few people have asked me if dealing with all the infertility stuff was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I feel bad saying that it wasn't because for most women it is obviously the hardest, most heart-rending, terrible thing that will ever happen to them.  But for me...it just wasn't.  It was hard, but it does not even come close to the hardest thing I've ever been through.

The hardest thing I've ever done was letting Bryant go for two years to serve his mission.  Infertility was a breeze compared to that because at least during all that he was there for me and with me.  I feel kind of silly admitting it because it seems very teenage-angsty (Twilight anyone?) to say that he is and was so important to me.  But it's true.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I will have to let Bryant go again in June and whenever I think about it I start to tear up.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.  The last time he left me I thought about him every single day for two whole years, wrote him at least 104 letters, dreamed about the day when I would get to see him again, spent a lot of time crying, and never did it get easier or less painful.  Now I have to let him get on a plane and leave not just me but our unborn baby, as well.  Please excuse me while I cry for a moment (no really, I'm crying over here and I blame the hormones).

Ok, I can do this.  Bryant and I have talked about this many times and we both know that me staying in the US is the right choice for us.  It wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, but it is for us.  But right and easy aren't the same thing.  He's going to miss so much, including the birth of the child we have been waiting and praying for.  I would go on, but I'm just wallowing now.

Letting Bryant leave again will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Again.  And the closer it gets the more I am dreading it.  I am usually more private about these kinds of things, but I want you all to know that I, Megan, am hopelessly in love with--and obviously dangerously dependent on--Bryant, the best man I've ever known.  And now everyone on the internet knows how ridiculously melodramatic I am.  With that, I will end this post and hope my next one will be happier.  Love you all!

Updates

Not much new has happened around our little household lately, but I feel like writing today.  We've been pushing through the last few weeks and Bryant is studying like mad for finals.  He takes his first one on Saturday and his last one next Sunday (the 18th).  Because he's been spending so much more time studying, I've had to step it up in the whole cleaning the apartment arena.  Bryant has been amazing at helping me out with everything lately, but now I have to "buck up, little cowboy" (as my mother loves to say) and get stuff done without his help. 

Luckily, I've been feeling better lately.  I'm typing this as quietly as I can because I keep having days when I feel great and if I say anything about it to anyone, I end up puking the next morning.  Pretty much without fail, this has happened.  I don't know if it's the baby or the pregnancy gods, but someone is listening and if I say I feel good, they feel the need to put me back in my place.  So here's hoping that they can't read.

Bryant and I only have about 2 1/2 weeks on this island together and I'm starting to get very sad.  Don't get me wrong, I am so very over-the-moon excited to be back in Utah with friends and family, but I'm sad that my time on this island--and with Bryant--is coming to an end for 7 whole months.  I feel (ok, I KNOW) that I haven't been taking advantage of my beautiful surroundings because of my nausea, and I am worried that I will miss this place a lot while I'm home.  We're making plans to do some fun activities in the week after Bryant finishes finals and before we fly home, so I'll be sure to post about it here if we do.

Other updates:

• Two of my friends here bought me some raspberries last week when I was having a bad day.  Thanks so much, Patty and Britni, you girls are the best!!  I may or may not have eaten the entire container in about a day and a half.  And that was showing some restraint.
• Bryant caught a little cold last week that bothered him a little but didn't really affect his ability to get stuff done.  Well, in our marriage it goes like this:  Bryant says his throat hurts a little.  He drinks lots of fluids and goes to bed early and the next day he feels fine.  Then I get hit the next day and can barely swallow, get a fever, have a headache and stuffy nose and feel like I got run over by a truck for 3 days.  I slowly recover over the following 2 days.  So when Bryant caught that cold last week I tried to keep my distance from him, but to no avail.  I got basically all of the symptoms listed above (just not the fever, thank goodness) and on top of that, I felt nauseated and threw up while having a stuffy nose.  Not an experience I'd like to repeat.  Luckily, yesterday and today have been recovery days and I'm finally feeling like a human being again.
• We said goodbye to two of the kids in Primary this last Sunday (I'm the chorister for our branch).  Their family is leaving the island for good next Sunday, so this was their last time.  James (5 years old) and Lexi (3 years old) were both so sad to be leaving.  We sang Book of Mormon Stories for them as our closing song, and afterward all the kids came up to give them hugs and say goodbye.  It was sad, but I was doing ok.  Then Ashton (3 years old) started crying when he had to say goodbye to them and I started feeling more sad.  Then I walked over to say goodbye to James (I was standing behind them the whole time) and saw that he was crying.  His face was all red and he just had tears running down his face while he hugged all his little friends.  I lost it and bawled while I hugged him and Lexi and said goodbye to them.  They are such sweet kids and we will miss them!  I am definitely blaming hormones for the crying, though, because I have said goodbye to 4 different classes of students that I love and never cried then.  Usually, I'm a rock. :)
• Our good friend Patty made us dinner on Monday for Cinco de Mayo.  We had made plans to have a little Mexican food party that night, but I felt so sick that day that I couldn't make anything.  Patty generously offered to make food for us anyway, so poor Bryant got his Cinco de Mayo anyway.  She also gave us a little present. 

It's our first item of baby clothing!  She got it as a hand-me-down and decided that it would be a good gift for us.  Patty is honestly the nicest person I know.  Oh, and her 8 year old son Merrick asked why she was giving us baby clothes.  When Patty said it was because I was pregnant, Merrick yelled, "FINALLY!!"  Apparently our reproductive status was very important to him.  Pretty sure he thinks we're really old.

• I finally took Bryant out to dinner for his birthday (poor guy) this past week.  His birthday is in March, so that tells you how behind I am.  We had a nice relaxing dinner out on the restaurant's patio and enjoyed some virgin pina coladas.  I took this one picture of him to prove I wasn't the worst wife in the world.

I'll wrap it up there for now and go get some dishes and laundry done.  I also managed to spill an entire cup of water on the ground just now, so there's that, too.  I hope your spring cleaning goes better than mine does!!