Growth Spurt

I officially hate growth spurts. So very much.  Lydia has been waking up twice a night again since last Tuesday night, which she hadn't been doing for a whole month.  Then last night she woke up three times to eat, which she has never done in the entirety of her life.  I know I have no right to complain because she's still a better sleeper than most babies, but I was loving her eight hour stretches of sleep so very much.  I think she's hitting a growth spurt because she's getting SO.  BIG.  She's also suddenly developed some pretty incredible head control out of nowhere.  I was getting worried about how weak her neck seemed because she would not hold her head up hardly ever.  But now she does it like a champ!  Here are the picture highlights of the week:

So.

Much.

Tummy Time.

She falls asleep while eating in the morning sometimes and I find it waaaaaaay too cute.

I clipped her fingernails after she did this to herself (I don't know if you can see it, but she's got red marks all over her poor tummy).  And I clipped two of them too short and they bled. Sad face.  She didn't seem upset at all, but I felt terrible.

Helping mom do the laundry!  Also, see how she's outgrown this outfit?  Had to retire it after that day!

 Going on a walk!

She loves her giraffe that her Aunt Katrina gave her!

She gets stuck in her toys sometimes. :)

She fell asleep while cuddling with her Aunt Nikki.

Nikki was having a rough time after a breakup this weekend, so Jess and I took her out shopping.

We tried on prom dresses and then we bought her two pairs of the cutest boots ever and some skinny jeans to go with them.  I didn't get a picture of the boots, but they were adorable and she NEEDED them.

The rest of the week has been spent cleaning and organizing and packing.  It's taking a long time because my love bug periodically distracts me, but by this time next week I'll be in Grenada!

My husband & my little girl

**Met my goal this week and posted!  I won't always be pointing that out, but I was excited I remembered!**
Bryant has been having a harder time lately with being in Grenada alone.  The stress of fourth term is pretty overwhelming on its own and they just learned about the very rare pregnancy complications that are fatal no matter what.  He has told me about the different ways I can die in childbirth, which haven't bothered me (maybe I'm overconfident, but I'm pretty sure I won't die), but which seem to bother him a lot.  Poor guy.  But he's doing better now, he got his score back for a midterm he thought he failed and he actually did quite well.  I think that helps with the stress a bit.  He's even considering flying out on Halloween weekend to meet our little girl!  I would get induced on Halloween if he comes and she's not here yet.  Super exciting, but still in the works.  He needs to talk to some professors and find out if he could afford to miss classes/labs or not.  Stay tuned!
I've told Bryant that Lydia will be a dancer for sure.  For the past two or three months, every time I lay down on my side, Lydia takes advantage of the hard surface to get her groove on.  Within a minute or two, she flips so her feet are against the bed (or floor, or couch) and goes to town kicking/dancing.  This happens especially late in the evening and at night, when I'm trying to sleep.  If I slip my hand between my belly and the surface she's dancing on, she instantly stops.  Apparently she can tell the difference and doesn't appreciate me trying to interrupt her.
Speaking of baby movements, I have a confession to make.  I know plenty of pregnant women who talk about how amazing it is to feel their baby move and how much they miss it after their baby is born.  I am sorry to say I am not one of those women.  I think it's amazing when she moves because a) Yay, she's still alive! and b) Holy cow, there's a person in there!  And she moves of her own free will!  Crazy!  Other than that, I dislike the baby moving feeling.  Worst mom ever?  Possibly.  But I don't like people kicking, punching, or head-butting me from the outside, and just because it's happening from the inside doesn't improve the experience for me.  It doesn't ever really hurt, but it's uncomfortable and it makes me feel...twitchy.  My little sister was watching TV with me the other night and I said, "Look, Lydia's moving."  Nikki looked over to see my stomach stretching as Lydia moved some body part or other.  Her face took on a look of pure horror and she whispered, "You can see it from the outside?!"  Pretty sure she will never want to have children after this.
In other news, I have started washing some of the baby clothes I've gotten from friends and family.  I have pretty much only washed things that are sized 3 months and up because every time I look at the newborn clothes I think there's no way any child of mine will fit in those clothes.  I was 2 weeks late and weighed 9 1/2 pounds.  Bryant was 10 days early and weighed just over 7 1/2 pounds.  I'm pretty sure we both would have been good-sized babies if we had been born on our due dates, and I can't imagine that this little girl will be anything short of 8 pounds.  I'll probably wash one or two newborn outfits, but if she turns out to be a small baby I'm going to have to buy/wash a lot of clothes!

An Entire Summer in Just One Post!

Doesn't that title sound way more exciting than it actually is?  I thought so.  You might've thought I'd be good about posting things this summer, what with the baby and everything, but you'd obviously be wrong.  I have done a terrible job at keeping in touch with people, updating this blog, and many other things this summer.  Today is officially the first day of fall, and I've decided to turn over a new leaf (shout out to my father-in-law, the king of puns) this season.  I'm making a goal to post at least twice a month, and more like once a week if I can do it.  I started this blog to serve as a kind of journal for myself as well as being a way to keep in touch with family and friends, and I need to be better.

Alright, this summer.  Here's the highlights of what has happened since May:

• Went to my grandparents' farm in Montana for the last time before it was sold
• Went to Glacier with my family
• Went up to Snowbird for an afternoon of fun with Bryant's family

(Break while I rack my brains to remember what else I did this summer.  I know I've been busy, but what have I been doing?!)

• Went up to Heber with Bryant's family on two different weekends
• Read a lot of baby books
• Spent a lot of time in stores registering for baby things
• Did some house/cat/plant sitting for my in-laws while they were in Mexico
• Had a baby shower
• Went to 2 baby showers for friends due about the same time as me
• Met up with many different friends to catch up
• Watched a lot of HGTV (didn't have that channel in Grenada!)
• Lived through quite a bit of extended family drama on both sides of my family--this has been the summer of things going wrong, apparently
• Done quite a bit of babysitting for my sister while her husband was out of town
• Been to umpteen doctor's appointments

Unfortunately I don't have the time or energy right now to go into detail about everything (plus I think it would bore everyone to tears), but I'll post some pictures with captions and that will have to be enough!  I'll be back to post in two weeks, and you can start sending me annoying messages if I forget.

On our way up to Montana, a wheel came off the trailer.  Not just a tire, the whole wheel.  Bolts sheared off, the whole nine yards!  Some guy pulled up beside us and honked to let us know, and we went back to look for it.  That's the freeway over on the left and we're off-roading.

Bryant thought he might have seen the wheel and went to investigate, but it was nothing.  We never found it and had to spend some time at a tire place getting a new one.

At my grandparents' farm in Montana, riding the four wheeler down to the bird sanctuary.  We could've walked, but low speed four wheeler rides are always more fun!

The bridge to the bird sanctuary.  There were absolutely no birds around until Keagan (my nephew there) threw a rock in the stream.  Then hordes of these swallows came swooping out from under the bridge to circle around. 

At the bird sanctuary, skipping rocks.  What else do you do at bird sancutaries?

On the way back from the preserve we stopped to throw rocks off the bridge again.  As you can see, Bryant was an extremely enthusiastic rock thrower.

My grandparents' little farmhouse.  I will miss it!!

A shot of the fields stretching away behind the house.  Montana is a really beautiful place.

The tire swing in the yard.  I have many fond memories of this swing!  The current grandkids got to play on it a little bit, at least, but I'm sad Lydia will never get to spend time here.

The cute little house we all stayed at in Glacier.

The guys spinning the grandkids around.  Bryant loves playing with his nieces and nephews.  It's adorable.

We found a golf course on our little walk one evening and all three grandkids picked a golf cart to pretend to drive.  Alice (in the front) was the most serious about it.  She even has her driving face on.

Bryant with Keagan, Mike with Isabelle, and Jake with Alice.  Alice and Isabelle are Jake's, and Keagan is Mike's.

Bryant getting ready to ride one of the attractions at Snowbird.  Being pregnant, I just watched and took pictures.

View from the top of the lift at Snowbird.  Utah is a really pretty place, too, but I forget when I'm here all the time!

Last lunch with Bryant before he boarded his flight.  There was lots of crying after this, but I didn't want to document that with pictures. :)

While cat sitting, I caught Milo sleeping like this.  That is the top of his head smooshed upside down on the couch.  Ridiculous cat.  He also persisted in trying to get me out of bed at about 5 or 6 every morning because that's when Al (my father-in-law) gets up.  He went so far as to attack plastic bags and the blinds in my bedroom, but I held firm!  And by held firm, I mean I pulled the covers over my head and refused to get up before 8.

Lydia at 33 weeks.  I think it's pretty much the cutest profile I've ever seen, but I'm pretty biased.  Also, for those of you who can read ultrasounds measurements, you'll note that while everything else is right around 34 weeks, her head is measuring at 32 weeks.  Pretty sure she's going to have Bryant's head and I'm pretty sure that bodes well for me!

Baby shower #1--it was a beach theme, in case you didn't catch that.  Baby shower #2 to come in October.

At the aquarium with my sister, Jess, and her two boys, Keagan and Parker.  Jess works part-time in the evenings and so I ended up spending two different weeks at her house so I could watch the boys while she worked.

During one of those weeks, we went to the Ogden Temple Open House with my mom and my cousin, Josh, who was in town helping out with my grandpa before heading up to BYU-Idaho.

I bought this sock monkey for Lydia, but made the mistake of leaving it with some other presents on the floor in the living room.  Parker decided he had to have it.  His Ute fan father was not pleased, but I thought it was cute!

Separation and baby updates

The thing I was most adamantly NOT looking forward to has happened.  On Friday, Bryant got on a plane and left for Grenada without me.  I cried.  A lot. 

We had agreed not to talk about it beforehand because we knew it would be hard either way and wanted to consolidate all the sadness.  But when we parked the car at the airport, Bryant handed me his travel folder (I always keep a pocket folder with us when we travel for passports, hotel reservations, boarding passes, etch) while he pulled his luggage out of the trunk.  He put down his luggage, grabbed me in a hug and said, while tearing up, "You're not going to be there to hold our travel folder anymore.  I feel like I'm losing my best friend."  I lost it then for a bit.  We got it under control, walked to the counter and checked him in, then headed over to the security line.  I sobbed while he managed to keep it together, there was lots of hugging and then...I had to walk away while he got in line.  I walked through the airport, tears running down my face the whole time, got back to my car, got in, and sobbed for a good 5 minutes before I could start it and leave.  The whole drive home I cried on and off, then cried some more when I got to my parents' house.  I did okay on Saturday because I told my family I would cry if they asked me about it, but I was not as successful on Sunday.  After Sacrament Meeting, one of my old young women advisors came up to ask me how I was doing and I started crying.  She hugged me and said comforting things until I got my emotions under control again.  But then my old bishop came up and asked how I was doing and the tears started again.  After that, I just walked home.  I couldn't face two more hours of crying every time someone asked how I was doing.  I blame the pregnancy hormones.

Bryant and I have Skyped every night and he has an internet texting app on his Surface, so he can text my phone whenever he has internet.  That has helped a bit, but I still get choked up every time I think about him.  And especially when I think about him leaving.  That "losing my best friend" bit makes me cry every single time I think about it (I may have teared up again while writing this post, FYI).  But I don't regret our decision to have me stay here.  It's what is best for our little girl.

Oh, speaking of which, we're having a girl!  Her name is Lydia.

Bryant and I went in for my doctor's appointment back in the second week of June and the doctor got one shot of what looked like a boy.  However, after that one shot, baby kept its legs firmly crossed and even put both of its hands down there, too.  Our doctor tried for 10 minutes to get another picture and got nowhere.  She finally gave up, scheduled us for another ultrasound the next week with her ultrasound technician and told us not to count on it being a boy.  Well, the next week came and there was a definite lack of any boy parts.  Our little girl was much less modest the second time around!  She also moved around so much that the tech was having a hard time getting the measurements she needed.  She couldn't freeze the frame fast enough, so she started recording a few seconds of video, then rewinding it to get a clear image.  This does not bode well for me, I think!

Also, after weeks of being unsure if I felt her moving or not, I can now most definitely feel her.  So can anyone else because she kicks so hard.  Last Thursday morning I finally felt what I was positive were kicks, and which I swear I never felt before that moment.  Bryant put his hand on my stomach and he could feel them, too.  That was the day before he left and she has been very active ever since.  My little sister felt it and described it as baby tap dancing.  When this girl moves, she moves.  Nothing ambiguous about it.

I'm almost entirely over the nausea now (23 weeks later), but yesterday I had to cave and take an anti-nausea pill.  Overall, though, I feel a million times better than I did before.  Also, I'm loving the lack of humidity.  I often comment on the "cool" weather, only to be informed that it is 80-90 degrees outside.  It feels great to me!

I have many other updates that I didn't have the time to post on here while they were happening--spending time with Bryant and family while he was here was top priority--so I'll be posting those soon.  Also, due to popular demand, baby bump pictures.  Stay tuned!

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Unfortunately, this post is not about Grenada.  Sorry everyone!  It's just something I've had on my mind lately.

A few people have asked me if dealing with all the infertility stuff was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I feel bad saying that it wasn't because for most women it is obviously the hardest, most heart-rending, terrible thing that will ever happen to them.  But for me...it just wasn't.  It was hard, but it does not even come close to the hardest thing I've ever been through.

The hardest thing I've ever done was letting Bryant go for two years to serve his mission.  Infertility was a breeze compared to that because at least during all that he was there for me and with me.  I feel kind of silly admitting it because it seems very teenage-angsty (Twilight anyone?) to say that he is and was so important to me.  But it's true.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I will have to let Bryant go again in June and whenever I think about it I start to tear up.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.  The last time he left me I thought about him every single day for two whole years, wrote him at least 104 letters, dreamed about the day when I would get to see him again, spent a lot of time crying, and never did it get easier or less painful.  Now I have to let him get on a plane and leave not just me but our unborn baby, as well.  Please excuse me while I cry for a moment (no really, I'm crying over here and I blame the hormones).

Ok, I can do this.  Bryant and I have talked about this many times and we both know that me staying in the US is the right choice for us.  It wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, but it is for us.  But right and easy aren't the same thing.  He's going to miss so much, including the birth of the child we have been waiting and praying for.  I would go on, but I'm just wallowing now.

Letting Bryant leave again will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Again.  And the closer it gets the more I am dreading it.  I am usually more private about these kinds of things, but I want you all to know that I, Megan, am hopelessly in love with--and obviously dangerously dependent on--Bryant, the best man I've ever known.  And now everyone on the internet knows how ridiculously melodramatic I am.  With that, I will end this post and hope my next one will be happier.  Love you all!

Updates

Not much new has happened around our little household lately, but I feel like writing today.  We've been pushing through the last few weeks and Bryant is studying like mad for finals.  He takes his first one on Saturday and his last one next Sunday (the 18th).  Because he's been spending so much more time studying, I've had to step it up in the whole cleaning the apartment arena.  Bryant has been amazing at helping me out with everything lately, but now I have to "buck up, little cowboy" (as my mother loves to say) and get stuff done without his help. 

Luckily, I've been feeling better lately.  I'm typing this as quietly as I can because I keep having days when I feel great and if I say anything about it to anyone, I end up puking the next morning.  Pretty much without fail, this has happened.  I don't know if it's the baby or the pregnancy gods, but someone is listening and if I say I feel good, they feel the need to put me back in my place.  So here's hoping that they can't read.

Bryant and I only have about 2 1/2 weeks on this island together and I'm starting to get very sad.  Don't get me wrong, I am so very over-the-moon excited to be back in Utah with friends and family, but I'm sad that my time on this island--and with Bryant--is coming to an end for 7 whole months.  I feel (ok, I KNOW) that I haven't been taking advantage of my beautiful surroundings because of my nausea, and I am worried that I will miss this place a lot while I'm home.  We're making plans to do some fun activities in the week after Bryant finishes finals and before we fly home, so I'll be sure to post about it here if we do.

Other updates:

• Two of my friends here bought me some raspberries last week when I was having a bad day.  Thanks so much, Patty and Britni, you girls are the best!!  I may or may not have eaten the entire container in about a day and a half.  And that was showing some restraint.
• Bryant caught a little cold last week that bothered him a little but didn't really affect his ability to get stuff done.  Well, in our marriage it goes like this:  Bryant says his throat hurts a little.  He drinks lots of fluids and goes to bed early and the next day he feels fine.  Then I get hit the next day and can barely swallow, get a fever, have a headache and stuffy nose and feel like I got run over by a truck for 3 days.  I slowly recover over the following 2 days.  So when Bryant caught that cold last week I tried to keep my distance from him, but to no avail.  I got basically all of the symptoms listed above (just not the fever, thank goodness) and on top of that, I felt nauseated and threw up while having a stuffy nose.  Not an experience I'd like to repeat.  Luckily, yesterday and today have been recovery days and I'm finally feeling like a human being again.
• We said goodbye to two of the kids in Primary this last Sunday (I'm the chorister for our branch).  Their family is leaving the island for good next Sunday, so this was their last time.  James (5 years old) and Lexi (3 years old) were both so sad to be leaving.  We sang Book of Mormon Stories for them as our closing song, and afterward all the kids came up to give them hugs and say goodbye.  It was sad, but I was doing ok.  Then Ashton (3 years old) started crying when he had to say goodbye to them and I started feeling more sad.  Then I walked over to say goodbye to James (I was standing behind them the whole time) and saw that he was crying.  His face was all red and he just had tears running down his face while he hugged all his little friends.  I lost it and bawled while I hugged him and Lexi and said goodbye to them.  They are such sweet kids and we will miss them!  I am definitely blaming hormones for the crying, though, because I have said goodbye to 4 different classes of students that I love and never cried then.  Usually, I'm a rock. :)
• Our good friend Patty made us dinner on Monday for Cinco de Mayo.  We had made plans to have a little Mexican food party that night, but I felt so sick that day that I couldn't make anything.  Patty generously offered to make food for us anyway, so poor Bryant got his Cinco de Mayo anyway.  She also gave us a little present. 

It's our first item of baby clothing!  She got it as a hand-me-down and decided that it would be a good gift for us.  Patty is honestly the nicest person I know.  Oh, and her 8 year old son Merrick asked why she was giving us baby clothes.  When Patty said it was because I was pregnant, Merrick yelled, "FINALLY!!"  Apparently our reproductive status was very important to him.  Pretty sure he thinks we're really old.

• I finally took Bryant out to dinner for his birthday (poor guy) this past week.  His birthday is in March, so that tells you how behind I am.  We had a nice relaxing dinner out on the restaurant's patio and enjoyed some virgin pina coladas.  I took this one picture of him to prove I wasn't the worst wife in the world.

I'll wrap it up there for now and go get some dishes and laundry done.  I also managed to spill an entire cup of water on the ground just now, so there's that, too.  I hope your spring cleaning goes better than mine does!!

Two very different announcements

Some of you (ok, maybe more than some) may have noticed the lack of new posts on here lately.  I apologize for that, but I just haven't done anything interesting, really.  Sorry about that!

But now I have an interesting thing to share!  I was invited to write a guest post on the Childless Mormon support blog.  It was published on April 10th, and although I've already shared this story here before, I decided to include it anyway.  Here's the link: http://childlessmormonsupport.com/?p=656  Being able to really accept that having children might not be something I ever get to experience has been difficult for me, but (as it says in my post) I've been able to find joy in the idea that I could be childless.

Which has actually made this next announcement a little...weird for me to share.  You see, another reason I haven't posted much lately is because I've been staying home sick every day for weeks.  Because I'm currently working on making another human being......surprise!

Bryant and I are expecting to meet our little guy or gal on October 25th.  I've been sick all day every day since I was about 6 weeks along and only last week got some medicine that stopped the puking.  I don't throw up anymore, but I still feel like I want to throw up a lot of the time.  I'm really glad I'm not teaching right now, because I have no idea how I would have done it.  Seriously, anyone who works while going through "morning" sickness--very sarcastic quotations there--is a superwoman in my book.  When I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom I just keep thinking, "I waited a long time and paid a lot of money in an effort to feel like this.  I want to feel like this, it's a good thing."  I've told myself that a LOT in the last two months.  Mostly, it works. :)

Something I was surprised by, though, was the fact that I have mixed feelings about announcing this to others.  I've spent a lot of time over the last eight months working through my feelings on the whole children issue and I was truly happy with my life the way it was.  Telling people that I'm now pregnant feels almost as though I am betraying all the childless women I've made connections with and supported in the last few months.  I feel very strongly that having children does not define someone's worth and being congratulated enthusiastically about getting pregnant makes me uncomfortable...almost like I don't really deserve to be congratulated, if that makes sense.

Another reason sharing the news has made me uncomfortable is because of people's reactions to my former infertility. Let me be clear, I never said I thought I would always be childless, I said I would be happy either way.  I've already had a few people bring that up when I've told them, which is understandable, but it makes my heart hurt for any women who won't have babies.  I said I would be happy without having my own children, and then I got pregnant.  That seems to reinforce in people's minds that it is ok to tell a woman who is infertile that it will happen for her eventually.  That's not true.  For some people, it will never happen, and they shouldn't have to listen to everyone they love constantly tell them that they will have a baby.  So all of you reading this, I want you to promise me that you will never use me as an example to a woman who is struggling with infertility.  I promise you she doesn't want to hear it and it won't help her. 

Now after all that, you probably think I'm not excited.  That's not true.  I was nervous at first because it seemed to me that my chances of miscarriage were high.  I know there's not technically a link between infertility and miscarriage, but it seemed logical in my head that if my body had a hard time getting things where they needed to be, it would have a hard time keeping the baby there. 

I was actually nervous-excited all the way up until I got to see the 12 week ultrasound.  I had two ultrasounds before that, but the baby looked like a little bean and not like a baby.  At the 12 week ultrasound we got to see the face, the hands, everything, and it looked like a baby.  I know it sounds funny, but it wasn't until I saw it moving in there waving its hands and wiggling around that it finally hit me that there's a baby in there!!  A baby!!!  How insane is that?!  I have another human being inside of me.  Blows my mind.  After that ultrasound I started feeling a much bigger connection to this tiny little guy or gal and I am now officially REALLY excited.

Whew, this is such a long post, sorry!  I'll wrap it up with just a few details that I want to remember about this pregnancy. 

• I am currently 13 weeks along (that's 7 straight weeks of sickness, btw).
• My tummy is poking out but I've actually lost about a pound since my first weigh-in at 6 weeks.  I have to use the rubber band trick on most of my pants now.
• This baby hates sweet things.  There is a package of Skittles that has been sitting on my dresser for two months now and every time I look at it I want to puke. 
• I don't really have cravings, but sometimes a food just sounds disgusting.  We had some really good broccoli pasta that I ate two days in a row (dinner, then lunch) and LOVED.  Then I went to eat it for lunch the next day and the sight/smell of it turned my stomach.  Don't know what is happening in this body of mine.
• There are two foods I have consistently thought would taste amazing, and neither of them are available in Grenada.  Raspberries and avocados.  Well, technically I can get raspberries here if I'm willing to pay $13 US for a tiny container (which I'm not...yet), but avocados are out of season until June.  Curses.
• Homemade ginger tea with honey, lemon, and sugar is one of the only things that makes me feel better when I get particularly nauseated.  Watermelon Jello is the other one (and the only exception to the sweet things aversion).
• Bryant was usually at school when I puked because it only seemed to happen in the morning.  The first time he was home when I ran to the bathroom, he stood in the bedroom yelling things like, "Don't do that!" and, "Stop it, that's so sad!"
• I am going to have the baby in Utah, which means that Bryant and I will be separated for about six months since he has to come back to Grenada for classes.  We're trying not to think about that part right now.
• At the 12 week ultrasound, I thought the baby looked like a boy.  I know it doesn't make sense because all we could see was the skeleton basically, but I thought it looked boyish.  Bryant refuses to give any input on the gender right now.  I think it's so he can pretend not to be surprised no matter what the gender is. :)

I'll wrap it up there.  We're very excited about our little baby and I will make sure to post about the gender when we find out at the end of May.  Thank you for all your love and support!